Losing My Religion

 There is a new trend on Tiktok that the algorithm thought was right up my alley, and boy was it spot on! 

There is an account called "There I Ruined It" that does mashups of songs that are horrible and yet somehow so so good. One they recently churned out was R.E.M.'s Losing My Religion with Under the Sea from the Little Mermaid. It is gold! 

Anyway - as things do on the internet, it evolved! People who have left fundamentalist religious indoctrination are using this sound over footage of themselves and some text explaining why they'd abandoned their faith. Here's me in the corner eating all of this up with a fucking spoon! So many of them are hilarious, heartbreaking, and delightfully affirming to someone who also had questions, doubts, and PTSD after having left a high-control fundamentalist religion.

I even made one of my own. I'll link to it at the end.

For some reason, memories of my religious upbringing have really been coming for me a lot lately. Things I haven't thought about in ages keep bubbling back up to the surface like a bad Taco Bell fart. You can't escape it. 

So come along with me while I venture through talking about losing my religion...

It's funny because you finally get to celebrate your birthday, but you're going to do it alone.

Recently I have been dipping my toes into the stream of Paganism, but my religious timeline goes as follows...

Born into a Jehovah's Witness family. We're the only branch of the tree practicing this faith and my parents were converts in the early 70s. I buy into it as a child. How can I not? My parents taught me to read by reading to me from My Book of Bible Stories. My mom makes me reading flashcards and some of the flashcard sight words she selects are Jehovah and Jesus. We spend several days a week going to the local Kingdom Hall, and only associating with the people in that congregation, and on days we're not in the church physically we're told we should still be thinking about it, or studying about it, or knocking on people's doors about it. Basically, I didn't know any other life was possible, because this was my life, and Jehovah is our God.

But my parents raise me to be a critical thinker. Fools. And then make the critical mistake of letting me go to college. The Jehovah's Witness faith even cautions against this for this very reason. Buckle in, here comes a cautionary tale!

Kids don't need to go to college and read from textbooks on theology or critical thinking. We, the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society will write our own literature that can do the thinking for you! If these young ones go to college they'll just fall away from "The Truth”.  Well turns out they were right about that.

So there were concessions to be made. I could go to college, but I will live at home so I can keep going to meetings with my family. I am going to be a teacher. A worthy trade, something my father did, and it's a good respectable job, and you can have the summers off to pioneer; which is Jehovah's Witness terminology for someone who puts in all their extra spare time into knocking on doors. It basically becomes your part-time MLM gig for Jehovah, and just like a real MLM, you’re not getting paid for your time. 

But I hate knocking on doors. Because I don't know what I believe. I mean I believe it because it's all I've ever known. I believe this because it makes my family happy if I do. But do I actually believe it? 

I had always had questions growing up and had my own crisis of faith and crossroads with God. I'd seen some pretty horrible people act like awful and really terribly corrupt fallible human beings, which if they are appointed by God to be his spirit-directed representatives on earth, and God chose them, how are they getting this shit so wrong? Things are not adding up always for me. I have concerns.

Then I go to college. I take a class to fulfill part of my English degree as an elective called "The Bible as Literature". Ha! Fools. Woke libs don't realize the Bible is the Word of God, it's not Literature. It's divinely inspired. It's The Truth because the Bible and the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society corporation of New York told me it was. What more evidence does anyone need? 

So I am pretty cocky. I'm going to get college credit for reading the Bible?  Bitch, I read the Bible every day for breakfast. Literally. My family makes me read a scripture from the Bible, well I guess it's called the Days Text and it gives a little snippet of what the scripture means because the smart men in New York figured it out for me and read it in the original dead languages so I don't have to. This class will be a cakewalk.

But I did finally read the Bible with new eyes and a new understanding of historic timelines and read from actual Biblical scholars and realized, "well shit, no wonder nothing is adding up, this whole thing is an editor's nightmare."

As a depressed teen, I realized the religious sweater I was wearing was itchy. There were even a few loose threads I couldn't ignore on the edges. This class finally had me start tugging at the threads and the sweater started to unravel. And you stop pulling and poking for a while because, “oh shit, my sweater! My parents gave me this!”

And then there is the internet, it's the early 2000s at this point, and I am being taught at college how to check sources and do research and craft arguments and man, this sweater is sure taking a beating. On the internet are also these new things called message boards, and did you know there are message boards just for people who are Ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses? 

*BRAIN EXPLOSION NOISES*

You see, when someone leaves the Jehovah's Witness faith, they are cut off. Not only are you done going to church on Sunday, but you're also done having a family and social network. You will be shunned. Leave of your own free will or wrong-doing it doesn't matter, both are equally terrible and it's a crime punishable by complete estrangement from everything and everyone you know because you've never been allowed a life outside of this faith. As you can imagine, as a good JW, my opportunity for talking to people who maybe also had doubts or had left was not an option. Hell, I thought I was the only one who did have doubts. Probably the only one who when I prayed to God didn't hear anything back. To say this message board blew my mind is an understatement.

I am reading things that are turning my brain upside down. There are so many directions to take it too. Do you want to rip apart how the Bible and Religion are basically all a scam? Do you want to specifically see how this particular religion you were raised in is a scam? Turns out you were right to have questions. It didn't make sense, because you can't make it make sense. The way they treated us and are treating us is not ok. There was/is sexual abuse, it was/is being covered up, just like the Catholic church is. It's a toxic publishing company run by old white men who have really fucked up worldviews and especially about the place of women in that world. Take your pick kid. The can of worms has just been opened, and oh yeah, your sweater just fell off.

Now one thing I will say about my Jehovah's Witness upbringing is that it teaches you all religions are garbage, except for yours. And man. They did their research on this. Jehovah's Witnesses LOVE to Catholic bash because let's be honest it's kind of easy. The greed, the sexual abuse, the Spanish inquisition, the crusades, oy - such a buffet of fuckery! And if all of Christianity is based on Catholicism we can just chuck that whole branch out. Except for our version of it, of course, because we figured it out, we have THE TRUTH.

Now a quick overview of how Jehovah’s Witnesses know all other religions are crap:

Q: Why are Muslims wrong?
A: Because Jesus was the son of God, Jehovah. He nailed it; pun intended! So we don't need to meet Muhammad. Also racism.

Q: Why are Eastern Religions wrong?
A: Buddhism and meditation are basically just ways for you to destroy your mind and let demons in. Jesus didn't talk about those things, and we only care what that guy thought. Also racism.

Q: What about the Jewish faith? I mean you guys do read that part of the Bible and tell a lot of really horrific stories out of the old bronze age Jehovah legends to scare us and well, isn’t Judaism at least partially right then since it's the word of God?
A: Yeah, but see if you really read the old testament you see it's low-key about how the Israelites keep screwing up and not listening to Jehovah, and if you really read the new testament it's about how the Jewish Pharisees are the ones who had Jesus killed.
Also antisemitism.

After that, it was easy to chuck out all organized religions.

For a short while, I thought I had to be something else. I did grow up in rural Minnesota among equally fundamentalist Christian people. We argued about what are the best hot dish toppings of our personal version of Jesus, but we all agreed Jesus is Hot Dish and should be eaten at every meal.

That was fairly short-lived though because man are all Christian churches smarmy or what? None of it looked very good. And if my faith, with God’s spirited-directed leaders, got it so messed up, what are the odds some other humans got it right?  I just knew organized religion on the whole was not going to be my path to spirituality. Studying eastern religions felt like appropriation. Studying Native American religion felt super appropriation-y. 

For a long time, agnosticism worked. Who knows what the universe is based on? Is there a higher power? I dunno. I've got people to meet on the internet and booze to drink! Agnosticism feels fine for a while, and I do meet a guy on the internet who doesn't know anything about the Bible but I can lay out my My Book of Bible Stories trivia every once and a while and melt his face. We have laughs about it even.

Then we got married.

And I am nervous because at this point I am not a Jehovah's Witness. I am living on my own and my parents know I do not attend the Kingdom Hall, and I am going to marry "A WORLDLY MAN!" The "World" is bad, and it's anything outside of the Jehovah's Witness community gets branded as "Worldly". This could be the moment when they are done with me, but they don't. They love him. They can tell he is a good man. I've picked a good match.

We have a don't ask don't tell policy at this point. I am “out” on a technicality. I never got baptized. Technically I was never "in" if I didn't take the dip in the baptism pool at a Jehovah's Witness convention. Therefore I am not disfellowshipped, and can't be disfellowshipped. Disfellowshipped people get shunned and ex-communicated from the only community they have ever known. My parents don't have to shun me. If I was disfellowshipped, they would have to ignore me. Treat me as if I am dead. Kick me out of their lives utterly and completely. Their religion teaches them that this is how we deal with wrong-doers and when people stop believing.

My parent’s faith also teaches that I am technically "bad association". And we know what the Bible thinks of those! Spoiler Alert: they spoil useful habits. If my parents were super hardcore they would be within their rights to never speak to me. To treat me as if I am dead. 

Because I was raised with The Truth. How can I not know it's “The Truth”.  It's almost worse that I never got baptized because how could I not put the pieces together. They read to me from the Bible Stories book, and they taught me Jehovah and Jesus as some of my first words. We read the Bible together, at breakfast. It's so easy. IT'S THE TRUTH.

But my parents don't shun me. Even though it's pretty obvious I do not believe.

Honestly, I think it’s because they had a daughter who died when she was six of a brain tumor. Because my parent's former Catholic faith and family were saying things to them when she died like, "She's in a better place, with God now. It's part of his plan," and my father cannot abide this. 

What kind of God would make a little girl die of a brain tumor and break the heart of her parents as a part of his plan? It doesn't make sense to him. Instead, my father believes that “time and unforeseen occurrence befalls us all”. The natural order of life means we die, and sometimes it's not fair because it's your six-year-old daughter.

His new religion, the Jehovah's Witnesses, comforts him. Because they promise that death is just a short sleep. "The dead are conscious of nothing". And soon Jehovah is going to bring about an apocalypse that will destroy those ruining the earth. Don't get me wrong, I love to see ruiners get ruined. Especially as a child of the 80s who was sold Captain Planet as a viable superhero to solve our climate crisis, but I don't know that I believe the Biblical apocalypse is a real thing.

It all seems rather gloom and doom, but like all MLM pitches, "but wait, there's more!"

Once Jehovah nuke's the corrupt corporations and politicians and just general a-holes, and puppy kickers, then he's going to get us, his faithful Jehovah's Witness children - THE ONLY TRUE BELIEVERS, to restore the earth to paradise, the way it was when Adam and Eve were first here, and while we're turning everything back into an HGTV wonderland Jehovah is resurrecting everyone who has ever died. 

My father and mother believe they will see and get to raise their six-year-old daughter on a perfect earth where they get to remake everything and live off the land in harmony the way God intended. Also pet tigers and elephants for everyone! I get some aspects of the utopia bliss and why it's so appealing to them, but now at this point in my life, I'm an atheist.

I am not an atheist in the way that I don't know that I'll ever feel absolute about anything again. Fundamentalist religion leaves a fingerprint on you that says, “you were once pretty sure about some things that crumbled pretty damn quick under a shred of evidence, you really want to go around making big declarations that there is no God?”

Yeah. I don't see any evidence. Sorry. But like, I’m not going to be a dick about it.

However, just because I am an atheist at this point, that doesn't mean I don't see the Divine. The solar system and the interconnected ecosystems of our planet are incredible and amazing and I can see them and I can understand them, kind of, with the help of science and other smart people. 

And that's when paganism knocks on the door. That seductive imp of a religion that was always there. That Christianity always said was bad, but now that you look back on it, talk about some appropriation!

Christmas = Yule
Easter = Ostara
All Saints Day = Stop people from having so much spoopy fun on Halloween
etc.

Everything has pagan origins, but Pagans are basically the worst because for sure they worship Satan.

Needless to say, I haven’t brought up my latest spiritual path with my parents. Because there isn’t much to say. I pay attention to seasons changing. I meditate because it feels good and calms my anxiety brain. I hope for the best, but do the work to make it happen if it’s within my power to do so. My new philosophy can best be summed up by the Wil Wheaton-ism, “Don’t be a dick.”

As my parents' age, they are becoming firmer in their faith. They still socialize with me because of that technicality I mentioned, but my sister’s death factors into their kindness towards my non-attendance at their church for sure. Her death also fuels the fact they will never leave that hope of getting their daughter back. I have no desire to take that hope from them either.

We chat about current events. We agree on a lot of things, but that a literal apocalypse is coming is not one of them. I mean apocalypse sure, but it feels more man-made/climate-related than part of a “master plan”. We still have a don’t ask don’t tell policy when it comes to talking about what I believe now.

I see my dad looking at me longingly when we talk about politics and current events because in his mind it’s the fulfillment of prophecy and how can I not see it? I’ve read the Bible and it’s all in there! It’s the Truth!

Recently when my oldest sister was home he was talking to us about Adam and Eve and Cain and Able. Some of the early chapters in My Book of Bible Stories and some of the greatest hits. I forget why it came up in the conversation, but I listened. Knowing what the talking points would be, but just nodding my head while staring into space. It’s a delicate dance to feign interest to be polite, but not too much interest to give him false hope.

I don’t know what was different that night, maybe it was the full moon, but more likely the presence of my sister from out of town so I did it. I put my college education to work.

“You know, some people view the story of Cain and Able as an allegory for the bronze age tensions between farmers versus nomadic people who were raising goats and sheep, because obviously farmers don’t want goats in their vegetables, and the nomads are like stop putting dumb farms where our sheep and goats want to graze, and since the story was told by the goat and sheep fans that’s why they said God favored their way of life more than the veggie farmers and thus Able who brought a sacrifice of meat was favored by God, and they painted farmers and agriculturally minded folks as murders.”

My father listened and nodded and then said, “I could see how some people might interpret it that way...wrongly.”

And there it is. Which is the more likely story? Bronze age beef over best uses of land, farming vs grazing, or a literal pair of brothers who had sex with their sisters and brought forth all of humanity because their parents were Adam and Eve and they got kicked out of the paradise that God made for them because he tested human-free will, which he gave us, and the woman screwed it up for everyone. Figures. Women are the weaker vessel, and Satan is cunning.

Yeah – you’re right, Dad. My story seems way more far-fetched.

All this to lay the groundwork for the actual story I wanted to tell today. This story is so simple, but it only works if you understand the entire history of religion and human experience culminating in how religious trauma sometimes goes way deeper than we realize.

It was after work and my husband and I were chatting about the day's events. Work, life, etc. We had decided earlier I wasn’t that hungry and we had several kinds of leftovers so it was going to be a fend-for-ourselves night. I was in the front entry chatting to my husband who was in the kitchen rummaging in the fridge and pulling something out to microwave for himself. The fridge door wasn’t all the way closed and it beeps as a safety mechanism so you don’t accidentally kill your fridge.

Fridge: Beep Beep Beep

Me (the person not even in the kitchen using the fridge): oops, sorry!

Him: What?

Me: Yeah, why did I say sorry?

Him (laughing): I don’t know, I am the one who left the fridge partially open.

Me: Shit. That stuff probably goes deep. That’s got to be religious trauma right, something from childhood? I AM THE WEAKER VESSEL!

Then we both burst out laughing. Out of all the crazy Bible trivia, I have laid on him, the Weaker vessel is probably his favorite of the weird theology, and can get a laugh every time from both of us.

I always think the last vestiges of the stupid religious sweater my parents made for me are long gone, and then you realize, nah, there is still a collar I guess. 

It bubbles back up. Even when you’re done with it, it’s not always done with you. Just like a Taco Bell fart.

In conclusion, enjoy my Tiktok about losing my religion. It encapsulates this blog in 11 seconds.